A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guys window and says, "Sir, i need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer - i can't do that, i'm an asthmatic, i do that i'll have a really bad asthma attack"
"Ok, fine, then you need to come down to the station to give a blood sample"
"I can't do that either - i am a hemophiliac - if i do that i'll bleed to death
"Well then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry but i can't do that either - i'm also a diabetic and if i do that i'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then i need you to get out and walk this white line."
"Well officer i can't do that either!"
"Why the hell not?"
"Because i'm drunk"

Home is were u hang ure @

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks

Great groups from little icons grow

Speak softly and carry a mobile phone

C is the root of all directories

There's no place like http://www.home.com

Don't byte of more than you can view

What boots up must come down

Windows will never cease

From a help-line: "If you are indecisive please press 1...or 2...or 3..or 4... or 5..."

From the same help line: "If you have low self esteem, please press 3 and wait... all our operators are too busy to talk to you"

Man calls home. Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,
"Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar says, "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says, "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'"

Joan, who was a rather well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The landlubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The landlubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the landlubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The landlubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you lose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook